I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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