In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
