Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
