Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
