Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
