you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
