He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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