I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I intend to get homeless drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
