she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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