the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
