please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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