There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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