I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
