i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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