I accidentally had phone sex last night
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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