I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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