I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
