There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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