It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
