How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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