The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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