theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
