Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
