I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
