The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
