I wanna bring you to show and tell
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love accidental penises.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
