She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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