nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
