My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
