i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
