I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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