I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
