You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
