there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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