i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
