I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
