I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
