He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
