Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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