The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
