Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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