there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
