it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This house was built for laser tag.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
