I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
