i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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