im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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