Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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