I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
