i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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