On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
