I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
