I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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