She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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