Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
